his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
