So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
