She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
