guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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