meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
