there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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