my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
