I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
