Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There r osticjed everywhere
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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