DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Someone came in the potted fern
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
