So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
