I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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