Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize