words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize