i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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