My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
