the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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