I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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