I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
