it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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