yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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