remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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