why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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