guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
