im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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