i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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