my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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