we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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