she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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