the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
