I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
