I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
