the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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