I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
