he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
