if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
