I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
