Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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