happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize