The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
