Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
