I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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