so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
