I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she told me i tasted like america
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I AM VODKA MAN
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
