she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize