the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I will die if light touches me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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