I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
