Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
