1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize