just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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