Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
