had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
