watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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