Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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