hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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