u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
