fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
