I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize