I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
