PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
