why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sext me about skeletons
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
