Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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